Social - July 2003

Boger City UMC helps participants cope with loss

By CALEB HAWKINS, LTN Staff Writer

Grief accumulates. The longer it sits, the more it hurts.

“Anytime you have an experience you go back to the place where you need grief work,” said Pastor Keys Pendleton of Boger City United Methodist Church. “One grief plus one grief does not equal two griefs. It multiplies.”

This equation is what led Pendleton and the church to establish two groups: Grief Care and Divorce Share.

Both classes help people overcome the troubles of loss, whether it be loss by death or legal separation.

Divorce Share is the only divorce support group in Lincoln County.

“We could see a need for people to be in a support group,” said Melinda Houser, who heads the group.

Both classes last 13 weeks. Each lesson includes a video and then time for discussion. The videos cover such topics as “When Your Dreams Fall,” “Emotions of Grief,” and “When Your Spouse Leaves.”

The classes are neither pro-divorce nor denomination specific. Most of the people that participated in the groups have not been from Boger City United Methodist.

Pendleton says it also isn’t evangelism — it is a service to the community.

It is, however, biblically based.

“(The grief) was hard enough to deal with with the Lord,” said Dianne Finger, the co-facilitator of the group.

The groups aren’t gripe sessions either. One of the issues covered in Divorce Care is forgiveness. All the members present agreed that this can be the toughest lesson.

“It takes two people,” said Houser.

“The ones that come here are the ones who were left behind,” added Leanne James.

James took part in the Divorce Share group after her husband left her, leaving her both the finances and the kids.

The group helped her greatly.

“You don’t feel so alone. It helps you get past what could hold you down for a long time,” said James.

She especially wanted to learn to get over the bitterness.

“We were going to be thrown together at graduation and birthdays, and I don’t want to be bitter at these special occasions,” she said.

James met one of her best friends through the group. James and Lucy Ameigh did not know each other prior to attending Divorce Share.

Ameigh joined a Divorce Share group in Stanley originally. Early into the group her mother died.

Once at Boger City United Methodist, she joined both groups.

“It’s been my lifeline,” she said. “You find out your not crazy in what you feel. There’s not a part of your life left unturned.”

Ameigh has now taken Grief Share twice, proving that the process can take time.

“Grief has so many layers,” remarked Finger.

“Even though they don’t get through it immediately,” said Houser. “They have the tools.”

People that take the courses can become mentors to others. When Ameigh’s nephew died, she was able to help her sister to cope with the pain.

This ripple effect goes along with Pendleton’s desire make a healing community.

“It is a sign of strength for people who choose to do this,” he said. “People that won’t do this don’t want to get healthy.”

Pendleton said that often people are comfortable with the grief and think that is all they have left of those they lost. He said people think that “If I let go of (the grief), I don’t love them.”

“You can’t fix it,” said Houser, “you just move on.”

In Grief Share, one of the prime goals is acceptance.

“We’re either going to be gone from the world or experience grief,” said Pendleton.

Ameigh herself had not known how bad she needed grieving until she came to the group.

“When I came to Grief Share, the dam broke,” she said.

She didn’t know what she would have done had she been alone. Attending the support group only made things better.

“When this burden is lifted, you have so much more energy,” Finger said. “The whole thing is about hope.”

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New Grief and Divorce Care groups start on Monday, August 18 at 7 p.m. There are 13 classes.

Books for the courses cost $10 but are not required to participate. People can come to one or all of the classes. Pre-registering for the classes is preferred.

For more information, call Boger City United Methodist Church at 704 735-7513.

© 2001 Lincoln Times-News  

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